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Nando’s is as much a South African as any of us. In fact, it goes a step further. Nando’s is the citizen who speaks for us all: it says what we are afraid to.

June 15, 2007

By John Vlismas and Ronnie Apteker

Nando’s is as much a South African as any of us. In fact, it goes a step further.

Nando’s is the citizen who speaks for us all: it says what we are afraid to. It gives us a guilt-free quick meal at a reasonable price (unless you’re having a half-chicken in London and paying in rands).

Nando’s is dearly loved for its’ fearlessness and the intimate way it communicates with us. Their adverts make us shriek with laughter or outrage – or sometimes both.

It may sound like we’re being obsequious, but after meeting the managing director and hearing that he was an accountant, you want to stand on your chair and cheer. If only other accountants would pay attention to his company’s main directive: have fun and make money.

Kevin Utian is a treat to hang out with: quick-thinking and not afraid to wander beyond the border of convention.

Definitely Funny Money material. His answers came fast and mischievous, showing a worldly but humble approach.

We strongly believe that while some people judge a wasted youth as a bad thing, we must side with William Blake, who said: “The road of excess leads to the place of wisdom.” And we should know: we’ve both had wasted youths … as often as we could find them.

What do you do every day?

I try to have as much fun as possible.

Do you feel you are successful?

Relatively successful, and incredibly lucky.

Is laughter the best medicine?

After peri-peri.

What makes peri-peri better than laughter?

It is rich in endorphins and it is good for your sex life.

Sometimes laughter is not so good for your sex life.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

My family and God.

What is your view on crime in our land?

It is out of control. It is one of the biggest issues we face in our country, that along with Aids. This is not something we can make fun of. The brain drain is also not good.

Did you eat your vegetables as a kid?

I tried to avoid eating them. The dog ate more.

Is a million rands a lot of money?

Ja. Especially when you don’t have it. A million rands is a lot of chicken.

How does one cheat on one’s taxes?

Cleverly. Although today I would recommend not to cheat on your taxes at all.

Will you ever make any egg products?

Ja, it is called a chicken.

Do you believe that imagination is more important than knowledge?

Yes. One is finite, the other is completely undefined. But knowledge anchors the imagination, so both count.

If you could have one super power, what would it be?

I would want to eradicate violence.

What do you do with all the money you make?

We put it back into the business. It is about growing a sustainable business. This is not about our children, it is about our great-grandchildren.

What’s the secret to getting a woman into bed?

You must know your market.

What is your view on kissing ass?

There is a time and a place for it.

If Bill Clinton can mess around, then shouldn’t the rest of us?

The only thing he did differently is that he got caught.

What’s a nice Jewish boy like you doing in a place like this?

Having a great time. There aren’t many places like South Africa. And who says I’m a nice Jewish boy, anyway?

Hey, what’s with all the corporate governance these days?
Thank goodness we are not listed.

Is the past really over?

Yes.

If you got to a fork in the road, would you take it?

I would probably take it.

Why isn’t the SA Post Office obsessed with pushing the envelope?

No competition. I like this question: well-phrased.

Is it every man’s right to put food on his family’s table?

Ja.

How is that George W Bush cat?

Confused.

Are you a cat or a dog person?

A chicken person.

Would you go camping with us?

I’d love to. Is that an invitation?

Do you know how much a loaf of bread costs?

About four bucks.

Do you keep your money under your mattress?

What money?

How big is your mattress?

Very big.

Is it all about the bottom line?

It never is. The bottom line is purely a score card. It is all about the game. But the bottom line seldom lies.

Have you ever told a lie?

I just did, but I won’t tell you which question it was for.

Is profit the number one item on your to-do list?

Profit is the consequence of all the hundreds of items on our to-do list.

Is peri-peri contributing to global warming?

Definitely.

You guys seem to be everywhere, so how come there is no Nando’s where we are now?

That’s a good question. But there is one just 2km away. Would you like a take-away?

Who invented the chicken?

I would have to say it was God. Did it come before the egg, though?

Do you think a chicken ever died of natural causes?

I hope not, they don’t have time.

What does chicken taste like?

Crocodile.

Whose idea was it to run the chickens over with a car?

It was Fernando’s.

Is it true that white people taste like chicken?

Ask a crocodile.

Are you a chicken?

I am certainly not a chick. I guess I am a chicken, because you are what you eat.

Is that legal, what you just said?

Everything is legal if you don’t get caught.

Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?

To get to Nando’s.

When is the last time you visited a bird sanctuary?

Does a chicken farm count?

Are you a leg man or a breast man?

Both. When you get to my age, you can’t be fussy.

Why no toasted chicken mayonnaise at Nando’s?

Because anyone can do it, and does.

Why do you leave out the poor duck?

We have rules: we don’t eat swimmers.

Which is your favourite currency?

You mean outside the dollar? Most of our trading is done in chicken. We very much believe in the old barter system. It is a wonderful way to get a discount on a set of tyres.